When life gets too full: what an unexpected pause taught me about saying yes

There was no newsletter from me last week because I had COVID. I’m only just getting rid of it now, and while I certainly wouldn’t have chosen to spend a week feeling unwell, being forced to slow down has given me something I didn’t realise I needed: a chance to stop and look at how full my life had become.

When you’re in the middle of a busy period, it can be difficult to see just how busy you actually are. You’re simply moving from one thing to the next, getting through the week and trying to keep everything ticking along. That’s pretty much where I had found myself.

How did my diary get so full?

The funny thing is, I hadn’t intentionally created an over-scheduled life. I hadn’t sat down and decided that I wanted every available space in my diary filled with something. It had happened gradually, as these things often do. I said yes to one thing because it sounded worthwhile, took on another because I was interested in it, fitted an appointment into a small gap and agreed to something else because I knew I could probably make it work.

Individually, none of these things seemed like a problem. In fact, most of them were things I wanted to do. But when I looked at everything together, I realised just how little space I had left in my week.

There was always somewhere I needed to be, something I needed to do or something I needed to think about. Even the things I enjoyed had started to contribute to that feeling of being constantly “on”.

I suspect this is something a lot of us can relate to. We don't necessarily become overwhelmed because we've made one enormous commitment. It is often the accumulation of lots of smaller commitments that eventually leaves us wondering why we have no time or energy left.

Sometimes you need to stop before you can see what needs to change

COVID gave me no choice but to stop. I had to cancel things, move things around and let go of some of the usual expectations I put on myself. At first, I was mostly focused on getting through the week and feeling better, but once I had accepted that things weren't going to happen as planned, I started to notice something.

I actually liked having some space.

Not being able to rush off to the next thing gave me the opportunity to think about what I actually wanted my weeks to look like. It made me realise that I don't want to fill every available space in my diary simply because it's there.

I want there to be some breathing room.

I want time to work on the things that matter to me, but I also want time where I'm not working towards something. I want time with the people I care about, time to create, time to rest and time to do things that aren't planned weeks in advance.

Being forced to slow down was a bit of a circuit breaker, and I think I needed it.

Just because you can fit something in doesn't mean you should

One of the things I've been thinking about since getting sick is how often we make decisions based on whether we can fit something in, rather than whether we actually want to make room for it.

There's a difference.

When someone asks you to do something, it can be very easy to look at your diary and think, “I could probably squeeze that in.” And sometimes you can. But that doesn't necessarily mean you have the energy, attention or capacity to take it on.

So I'm trying to ask myself a few different questions before I say yes.

Do I actually want to do this? Does it fit with what matters to me at the moment? Do I have the capacity for it? And if I say yes to this, what am I potentially saying no to somewhere else?

That last question has been particularly useful.

Because every time we say yes to something, we're using some of our limited time and energy. Sometimes we're consciously choosing that trade-off and sometimes we're not. We just keep adding things until the diary is full and wonder why we're exhausted.

Why is saying no so difficult?

I think this is where things can get a little complicated. It's easy to tell ourselves that we should simply say no more often, but actually doing it isn't always that simple.

Sometimes we're worried about disappointing someone. Sometimes we don't want to miss an opportunity. Sometimes we feel responsible for helping everyone else. And sometimes we've simply become so accustomed to saying yes that we don't stop to consider whether we want to.

There can also be a strange guilt attached to saying no, particularly when the thing we're saying no to is a good thing. We can convince ourselves that if something is worthwhile, interesting or helpful, we should find a way to fit it in.

But we don't have unlimited capacity.

Something can be a genuinely good opportunity and still not be the right opportunity for us at that particular time.

I'm reminding myself of that at the moment.

What are you saying yes to?

If you're feeling like your own life has become a little too full, you don't necessarily need to make dramatic changes. It might be worth simply taking some time to look at what's already on your plate.

Look at your diary for the next few weeks and notice what is taking up your time. Which commitments are essential? Which ones are genuinely important to you? Which ones are you looking forward to? And which ones have you agreed to because you felt you should, because you didn't want to disappoint someone or because saying yes seemed easier than saying no?

You might also ask yourself what you would have more room for if you said no to a few things.

Perhaps it would be more time with your family. Perhaps you'd finally have the energy to work on something you've been putting off. Perhaps you need more time to rest. Or perhaps, like me, you simply need some unplanned space in your week.

You don't have to change everything. Sometimes creating a little more room is enough to make your week feel quite different.

How coaching can help you step back

This is also something that comes up regularly in coaching. When you're living inside your own life, it can be surprisingly difficult to step back and see the bigger picture. You can know that you're overwhelmed or that something isn't working, without necessarily being able to work out what needs to change.

Coaching provides a dedicated space to slow down and explore those things. It's not about someone telling you what you should do or giving you another list of things to add to your already-full life. It's about having a conversation that helps you work out what matters to you, what might be getting in the way and what you want to do differently.

Sometimes the answer isn't about becoming more productive or getting better at managing your time. Sometimes it's about deciding what is worth your time in the first place.

Making more intentional choices

I'm still working through this myself. I'm not about to become someone with an entirely empty diary, and there are plenty of things I'm excited about and want to make time for.

What I do want to change is how I decide what gets my time.

Rather than automatically asking whether I can fit something in, I'm going to get better at asking whether I actually want to make room for it. I'm also going to try to resist the temptation to fill every empty space just because it's there.

I think there is a lot of value in having some space in our lives. Space to think, space to rest and space to notice what we actually need, rather than constantly moving on to the next thing.

So perhaps my unexpected week off has been a useful reminder.

We don't always need to do more. Sometimes we need to make more room for the things that matter.

And perhaps that's a question worth asking yourself too: What are you saying yes to, and what might you have room for if you said no?

If you’re feeling a little stuck

If reading this has made you realise that your own life feels a little too full, or perhaps that you’ve been saying yes to things without really thinking about whether they’re right for you, coaching might be worth exploring.

You don't need to have everything figured out before you reach out. Sometimes you just need some space to step back, untangle what's going on and get a clearer sense of what you want to do next.

If that sounds like something you need right now, I offer a free 30-minute discovery call where we can have a chat about where you're at, what you'd like to change and whether coaching could help you move forward more intentionally.

There’s no obligation to work together. It’s simply an opportunity to see whether coaching feels like the right fit for you at this point in your life.

Book your free 30-minute discovery call HERE.